Supportive boyfriend needs help

Cancerous Breast » Breast Cancer Treatment » Supportive boyfriend needs help

Question:

% My girlfriend had a hard lump.Many cystic lumps but this is the first hard lump % and she is very scared. Nelson I want to say I understand what you are saying here. I have not been told there is no place for me in the dealing of my Friends BC, but I have been told I need to deal with it in MY way, and MY way is to not talk to you about it. I must say she is not talking to anyone about it. I respect this and told her I will ask for her help when the silence gets to difficult for me. The big thing I try to keep in mind about this and you need to remember is, being supportive has nothing to do with ME or in your case YOU. If you want to be there for your girlfriend then be there for HER. That means nothing about YOU but how SHE needs you and WHEN she needs you. When you look at her realize your girlfriend is the one with BC. Your girlfriend wants your support but may be very afarid of what is going to happen. It makes it very difficult to be supportive of YOU and ANYONE ELSE for that matter. To support you girlfriend stand by her and be her Friend. Try and understand as you (and I plus others) are doing here. Know where your limits are and respect them. Talk with her Friends and see if they know where you can help and how to support. Show your girlfriend she can trust you, you will not abandon her or look elsewhere. This all seems very one sided but it helps to understand her issues. It is easy to make this about yourself, after all everyone is impacted, but please resist, after a while I believe your girlfriend will open up a little. And lasty don’t forget to pray for her as I will. It is what will help the most for both of you. Nelson please visit this group often and get support here. I have and found much support. I will help to support the one you love when it is difficult. God’s Blessings for both you and your girlfriend. — To send E-mail delete the blackhole.

Response:

cp1.news.cs.com, Nelson, Congratulations on being the boyfriend everyone

wants! It sounds to me like you’re on the right track…being supportive

without getting in her face. Some of us need more hands-on help from our

significant others, some less. I guess that I fall on the same side as your

girlfriend. I’d been through the BC fight with my mother and really, really did

not want to hash it out on a daily basis with my husband. I did not want to

talk about it or dwell on it so he got the silent treatment with respect to the disease. There were times, however, when the dread and

grief of the whole situation overwhelmed me and I’d find myself enduring an

hour or so of heartwrenching, unabatable tears. He was there to hold and

comfort, just what I needed. I wish you both the best with whatever the outcome. Take care and feel free to post any other

questions you might have. There’s a real helpful group of survivors and their loved

ones who frequent this newsgroup. Somebody’s bound to be able to help. …lisa

lisa, this is the supportive boyfriend’s ex- girlfiend. This guy is NOT the boyfriend everybody wants. He paints a very pretty picture though. Just over the course of a couple of weeks he said many, many nasty things. In most situations with him, it becomes all about him and nobody else. Please don’t see this as bitter, I just want you to know how angry it made me to think that he, once again wanted sympathy. But, unfortuneatly, that’s the way he is. I, on the other hand am coping well. The friend he spoke of DID NOT have breast cancer. That’s another thing that angers me, is to know that he didn’t even listen well enough the many, many times we talked about her cancer to even know where and what kind she has. SHE is however a wonderful Blessing that God has given me for support. He had a problem with that fact as well, said I should be able to talk to him the same as I can her! Not a very supportive comment in my oppinion. He didn’t even bother to ask me if I had gotten the results back from my Dr and when I brought this to his attention and said he didn’t want to make me think about the problem, that is when he tried to justify his actions by joining this forum. I wish that he had been who he pretended to be, I really could have been happy with a person like that in my life. Thank you for your well wishes and I am glad to know that I have another place to go for real support. Before you buy.

Response:

% My girlfriend had a hard lump.Many cystic

lumps but this is the first hard lump % and she is very scared. Nelson I want to say I understand what you are

saying here. I have not been told there is no place for me in the dealing of

my Friends BC, but I have been told I need to deal with it in MY way, and

MY way is to not talk to you about it. I must say she is not talking to

anyone about it. I respect this and told her I will ask for her help when the

silence gets to difficult for me. The big thing I try to keep in mind about this

and you need to remember is, being supportive has nothing to do with ME or

in your case YOU. If you want to be there for your girlfriend then be there

for HER. That means nothing about YOU but how SHE needs you and WHEN she

needs you. When you look at her realize your girlfriend is the one with BC. Your girlfriend wants your support but may be

very afarid of what is going to happen. It makes it very difficult to be

supportive of YOU and ANYONE ELSE for that matter. To support you

girlfriend stand by her and be her Friend. Try and understand as you (and I plus

others) are doing here. Know where your limits are and respect them.

Talk with her Friends and see if they know where you can help and how to support. Show your girlfriend she can trust you, you will not

abandon her or look elsewhere. This all seems very one sided but it helps to

understand her issues. It is easy to make this about yourself, after

all everyone is impacted, but please resist, after a while I believe your

girlfriend will open up a little. And lasty don’t forget to pray

for her as I will. It is what will help the most for both of you. Nelson please visit this group often and get

support here. I have and found much support. I will help to support the

one you love when it is difficult. God’s Blessings for both you and your girlfriend. — To send E-mail delete the blackhole.

anon5dc I am the supportive boyfriends ex-girlfriend. I was glad to see that somebody else could see that he made this about him. I thought very briefly that I was being to hard on him. I wish that I could say that was so. Unfortunately, he is that way. Everything becomes all about him and he feels this great need for sympathy. He wanted me to cry over this!! I think that he felt the need to see me cry and feel sorry for myself so that he could be a hero. The night before I had to go for my mammogram, I told him I just wanted to be alone, he got nasty over that later. Said I should have been able to talk to him about all of this. The friend that he talks about, didn’t even have breast cancer. I am very bothered by the fact that he didn’t even listen well enough to know what and where her cancer was. He could not stand the fact that she is my support center. She is a blessing from God to me. She can relate and does not expect me to say what I don’t want to say. I mean this guy went as far as to talk about me dying. Said the reason that I am upset with him is to help me cope with the fact that I may lose my life. This does not constitute a supportive person, or does it? I certainly don’t think so. I wish he had been who he professed to be, I need a man like that in my life, but I do not need one like him. Your friend has been blessed with you, I hope she sees that. I wish both of you God’s blessings for a positive future. Before you buy.

Response:

My girlfriend had a hard lump.Many cystic lumps but this is the first hard lump and she is very scared.Still waiting for results of ‘gram.I only want to support her and all she tells me is that I’m a man and I have no idea what she is going through.she has a best friend who she helped through her breast cancer long before I appeared on the scene.All she wants to do is talk to her and worry.should I be concerned or should I just pray and wait until the results come back.They are due any day now.She has had benign lumps and biopsies before…but for some reason she is VERY worried about this particular lump. No man has ever wanted to be supportive for her in her past marriages and so she is not used to me being supportive.I feel like she is tuning me out and getting ready for the bad news.Can anyone offer some advice? Thank you for your time.Nelson Calligan Every Man dies,not every man really lives

Response:

Nelson, Congratulations on being the boyfriend everyone wants! It sounds to me like you’re on the right track…being supportive without getting in her face. Some of us need more hands-on help from our significant others, some less. I guess that I fall on the same side as your girlfriend. I’d been through the BC fight with my mother and really, really did not want to hash it out on a daily basis with my husband. I did not want to talk about it or dwell on it so he got the silent treatment with respect to the disease. There were times, however, when the dread and grief of the whole situation overwhelmed me and I’d find myself enduring an hour or so of heartwrenching, unabatable tears. He was there to hold and comfort, just what I needed. I wish you both the best with whatever the outcome. Take care and feel free to post any other questions you might have. There’s a real helpful group of survivors and their loved ones who frequent this newsgroup. Somebody’s bound to be able to help. …lisa