Long message but need help!

Cancerous Breast » Breast Cancer Treatment » Long message but need help!

Question:

hi suzie. i too had problems with my mom when i told her of my diagnosis. 3 days later she went into the hospital unabled to breathe. (she was in the end stages of emphysema ) and claimed my telling her about my cancer was causing her to have panic attacks. when i talked to her doc about it he told me it was the emphysema not my telling her that was causing the problems breathing but it wasn’t until she passed away that i was abled to forgive her for putting that on me at that time in my life. (she passed away 6 days before my surgery to remove my tumor). even though she made me soooo mad i wish she would have been here. she would not have been any support to me. (she didn’t handle stress well at all. when my son died back in "87 her consoling words were–"when they are little they step on your feet, when they get older they step on your heart".) i think they just feel so out of control that they couldn’t keep this disease from us. that’s my 2 cents worth. i think there will be a time when she will come to grips with this and you will be abled to talk freely with her. by the way, my brother had the same words to me about telling my mom. he thought i shouldn’t have told her. also wasn’t very supportive until my husband talked to him and explained that now that mom is gone i am all he has left. good luck. at least you have all of us. everyone here helped me through losing my mom and all the cancer stuff so you do have "some moms" we’re all here love and prayers, mary rose Fear knocked. Faith answered. Nobody was there

Response:

Thanks…..(if only you could hear the sincerity that work)… Suzie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hi suzie. i too had problems with my mom when i told her of my diagnosis. 3 days later she went into the hospital unabled to breathe. (she was in the end stages of emphysema ) and claimed my telling her about my cancer was causing her to have panic attacks. when i talked to her doc about it he told me it was the emphysema not my telling her that was causing the problems breathing but it wasn’t until she passed away that i was abled to forgive her for putting that on me at that time in my life. (she passed away 6 days before my surgery to remove my tumor). even though she made me soooo mad i wish she would have been here. she would not have been any support to me. (she didn’t handle stress well at all. when my son died back in "87 her consoling words were–"when they are little they step on your feet, when they get older they step on your heart".) i think they just feel so out of control that they couldn’t keep this disease from us. that’s my 2 cents worth. i think there will be a time when she will come to grips with this and you will be abled to talk freely with her. by the way, my brother had the same words to me about telling my mom. he thought i shouldn’t have told her. also wasn’t very supportive until my husband talked to him and explained that now that mom is gone i am all he has left. good luck. at least you have all of us. everyone here helped me through losing my mom and all the cancer stuff so you do have "some moms" we’re all here love and prayers, mary rose Fear knocked. Faith answered. Nobody was there

Response:

hi suzie jst a little comment here when my i told my mother i had breast cancer, she refused to speak to me. i live in new york and she lives in cleveland. the one person you WOULD THINK and i say THINK would come to see you is your mother. nope not mine..would not even speak to me…said it upset her too much. well thank god for a wonderful supportive husband. i went thru 4 months of chemo with not a word from her and 6 weeks of radiation with no word. my aunt would call..get any info and relay info to my mother. i put a stop to that. well today is a year that chemo ended and my mother does call now but i will never forgive what she did. i would never ever do this to my daughter god forbid she had bc. just go with the flow…you have your husband hope this helped hugs…. kisses… linda bliss

Response:

Thanks Linda….. there is always someone in this world who can help. When I read your message it gave me a warm fuzzy feeling… "I’m not the only one who’s mom is different". Do you think there is a time or place that would ever be appropriate for me to let her know how I feel? I give you a big hug and and a warm thank you! Suzie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – hi suzie jst a little comment here when my i told my mother i had breast cancer, she refused to speak to me. i live in new york and she lives in cleveland. the one person you WOULD THINK and i say THINK would come to see you is your mother. nope not mine..would not even speak to me…said it upset her too much. well thank god for a wonderful supportive husband. i went thru 4 months of chemo with not a word from her and 6 weeks of radiation with no word. my aunt would call..get any info and relay info to my mother. i put a stop to that. well today is a year that chemo ended and my mother does call now but i will never forgive what she did. i would never ever do this to my daughter god forbid she had bc. just go with the flow…you have your husband hope this helped hugs…. kisses… linda bliss

Response:

Rachel, First of all … a big hug and a big thank you. Second … I don’t hate mom for it – just wish she was there – it’s like she just doesn’t give a s__t. Third .. now that i’ve felt what it’s like … I won’t do it to my daughters or sons … I have to go .. my 10 year old boy is just flying tonight … I don’t know what’s into him… Hugs Suzie

Response:

Hi Suzie Thanks for replying. I wondered if i had offended you. I know you don’t hate your Mom…if you didn’t love her so much the way she’s reacting to this wouldn’t hurt so much! That’s the problem. You can be angry and hurt by someone while still loving them. You always hope they’ll start to behave differently…but often they just let you down over and over again. I agree totally with you about not doing it to our children though i have to admit sometimes I open my mouth and out comes one of those little *Mum* saying that wind me up so much !!!! Hugs Rachel

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Rachel, First of all … a big hug and a big thank you. Second … I don’t hate mom for it – just wish she was there – it’s like she just doesn’t give a s__t. Third .. now that i’ve felt what it’s like … I won’t do it to my daughters or sons … I have to go .. my 10 year old boy is just flying tonight … I don’t know what’s into him… Hugs Suzie

Response:

hug…then we could sit and drink coffee ( unless chemo has put you off it!) and you could tell me all about it. I’ve been sitting here for a while trying to sort out what to say. Your first priority is to look after yourself for the next few months. Explain this to Jim..it’s going to be tough and you have the right to be more selfish than usual in order to get through the ordeal. You will still do tons of stuff for your family…what mother doesn’t…but there will be times when you have to say ‘no’…and do what YOU need. At the end of the day you are doing this for all of them anyway since they all want you to get through this and be healthy. It will be hard on Jim because it’s something he just can’t fix..he may feel can’t help you…it’s all down to the doctor’s. Maybe you could think carefully about ways he can help you and let help him through this too. It might help you get a bit of closeness back. Whatever you do KEEP talking. I was very stoical, kept it all in because I wanted to protect my family (my father also died 3 weeks after my diagnosis friom lung cancer so I was handling all that too)..I suppose I kind of withdrew into myself and although I was cheerful and friendly I wasn’t letting anyone in to what was really going on. It caused problems in my marriage which have only just begun to heal 2 years on. Everyone is different in their reaction…how much they want to know…how much they can handle…you need to keep talking and establish how it’s going to be for you as a couple and as a family. God-given right to push our buttons from birth! Mine is very critical and controlling…though it’s all done "with your best interests at heart" so i feel guilty for resenting it too! I did some psychotherapy after i finished my treatment and dealing with my mother was one of the issues we explored. What I learned was: 1. People can treat you any way they want but YOU choose how you respond them. 2. You can’t change another person however much you want to…but you can change yourself so that you can handle the other person better..or your feeling and responses to that person. ( Don’t try to teach a pig to sing. You’re wasting your time and it annoys the pig! ) 3.You can’t change anything that has already happened but you can take away it’s power to affect your future. I learned to look for patters in my life. If this happens what is my response? The patterns were there big time and they were keeping me trapped in an endless cycle of hurt, resentment and anger. I still try to go with those patterns (old habits die hard) but sometimes i can catch myslf doing it and choose a different response. 4. You have to let a lot of stuff go. go with the flow as Jim says, forgive people. This was a tough one for me. After all I was RIGHT…they had hurt me….why should I forgive them??? I needed a long ladder to climb onto MY high horse!!!! In the end I settled on: "Forgiveness is letting go of the belief that things in your past could have been different" You’re giving up the struggle to change history so that it doesn’t hurt so much. It hurt all right but now your letting it go…choosing not to carry round all that baggage. Choosing not to let it poison your future. Sorry Suzie…didn’t mean for this to turn into a lecture. It’s been a long process and nothing has changed overnight! I can honestly say that I am happier now than at ANY time in my life and that’s after breast cancer, bereavement, major marriage breakdown ( thankfully temporary) and 2 bouts of severe depression. Trying to condense it all into a reply has been difficult. I hope this helps. As always, take what works for you and ignore the rest. If i can be anymore help let me know. Hugs Rachel

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – It’s been very difficult for me to check in. My server is always busy … and my kids are always keeping me busy …. my husband can’t sleep unless I’m right beside him … that doesn’t leave me much time to take for me but I try. I have difficulty dealing with my mom. Maybe someone can help me … (you are all better than a doctor, or a psychiatrist) Mom lives 2000 miles away. She came up at Christmas this year (1st time in 7 years) and the only reason she came is because my brother is posted here for a short period. So we were both in the same city … it was convenient. The whole time she was here she was busy gone with my brother. I barely saw her. I found my lump on Xmas day… needless to say … i was worried but did not say a word to anyone but my husband. Then after it was confirmed as malignant, I told mom on the phone (she had returned to her home). She then told the world. Her sister is receiving paliative care at the present time. Now mom is all upset. She’s taking more anti-depressants than I am. She says she wishes to keep her sister around to do things together. Well, she never did anything with her when she was well. She has not come to see me or even offered to come and help (money is not a problem for her – even her shift at work is 7 on, 7 off). It hurts I guess but it’s turning into anger — it’s starting to piss me off….any suggestions … Jim is more quiet and just says to go with the flow but it’s hard for me. We used to be close — what happened. It’s like she got mad at me for moving away, I used to live about 500 miles away and would visit about once every two months. Help! and thanks ahead of time … Suzie

Response:

It’s been very difficult for me to check in. My server is always busy … and my kids are always keeping me busy …. my husband can’t sleep unless I’m right beside him … that doesn’t leave me much time to take for me but I try. I have difficulty dealing with my mom. Maybe someone can help me … (you are all better than a doctor, or a psychiatrist) Mom lives 2000 miles away. She came up at Christmas this year (1st time in 7 years) and the only reason she came is because my brother is posted here for a short period. So we were both in the same city … it was convenient. The whole time she was here she was busy gone with my brother. I barely saw her. I found my lump on Xmas day… needless to say … i was worried but did not say a word to anyone but my husband. Then after it was confirmed as malignant, I told mom on the phone (she had returned to her home). She then told the world. Her sister is receiving paliative care at the present time. Now mom is all upset. She’s taking more anti-depressants than I am. She says she wishes to keep her sister around to do things together. Well, she never did anything with her when she was well. She has not come to see me or even offered to come and help (money is not a problem for her – even her shift at work is 7 on, 7 off). It hurts I guess but it’s turning into anger — it’s starting to piss me off….any suggestions … Jim is more quiet and just says to go with the flow but it’s hard for me. We used to be close — what happened. It’s like she got mad at me for moving away, I used to live about 500 miles away and would visit about once every two months. Help! and thanks ahead of time … Suzie